


''Why'd you call?''

by ocaj_sub01



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Denial of Feelings, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, Unresolved Romantic Tension, tbh they're just acting like assholes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 14:48:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22497835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ocaj_sub01/pseuds/ocaj_sub01
Summary: Reid unexpectedly quits his job at the BAU and won't stop being vague about the reason why. When he and Morgan start to become closer - he quits him too.Three years have gone by once he decides to give Morgan a call. He's not sure if he's calling him hoping to mend things, or to just simply hear his voice. Morgan isn't sure either.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 3
Kudos: 66





	''Why'd you call?''

He guesses that it's somewhere around four in the morning, as he grabs his keys and goes to unlock the front door. Morgan sighs heavily as he comes to the conclusion that, yes, he probably should've taken Hotch's advice to get a hotel room a bit more serious than he did. _'You're looking a little sleep deprived there, Derek'_ Hotch had said to him as Morgan was packing his bags while simultaneously calling a cab to the airport. _'I am, boss,'_ he had answered, _'but frankly, I just want to head home right away.'_

After spending a week and a half with the team in downtown Seattle, tracing the unsub's steps and inevitably catching him, Morgan was just simply dying to get home and insisted on catching the first flight out. 

He kicks off his shoes and for a second debates whether to unpack right away and turn on the washing machine, or to leave it for some other time. He settles for the latter when he catches a glimpse of himself in the hallway mirror, _'I do look awfully sleep deprived',_ he thinks, wishing that he hadn't slept during the plane ride home because even though the bags under his eyes say something else - jet lag kicked in the moment he stepped off of that plane. Morgan finds himself walking straight to the fridge to grab a beer, noticing that some of the food he'd bought prior to the case had gone bad and he told himself he'd take care of it... tomorrow. And so figures that, lack of sleepiness and all, he's better off finding a show to binge tonight rather than laying in bed staring at the ceiling. He'll catch up on sleep some other time, he mutters. 

He's mindlessly scrolling through Netflix when his phone rings, **unknown number** , and while the thought crosses his mind that, who besides Hotch would dare to call at this time of hour, his curiousity gets the best of him and with a deep sigh he answers.

''Yeah, Morgan's speaking.'' he says while pinching the bridge of his nose. It's quiet on the other side of the phone, and for a second Morgan's thinking of hanging up. ''Hello?'' he tries again.

It's when he hears the soft scraping of a throat that his breath hitches and his stomach drops. He figured he knew this day would come, sooner or later, but he wasn't prepared to deal with it today. He wonders if there was ever going to be a day where he'd feel ready, or even willing to. 

''Hey, it's, uh... well it's me. Reid. I've been wanting to call you for a while now, really it was getting a bit silly how much I was postphoning such a simple task. Uh, calling you, that is.'' his voice started out as a whisper, whimpering almost, but slowly and gradually got the tiniest bit louder. ''I almost called you last night, already had your number typed in and I was about to dial. I knew what I wanted to say, last night, but you weren't ready to hear it. Or at least so I thought. I wasn't expecting you to pick up, actually... you still there?'' 

Morgan hears the man on the other side of the phone exhale loudly. When his tone shifted, mid sentence, he mistook it as confidence at first. He quickly realizes that the other man is trying to sound stronger than he is. Stronger than he knows what he's remembered as. 

''I'm here.'' he speaks softly, not quite sure how to proceed, '' _you_ are rambling, though.''

Dread fills Morgan in an instant, not feeling the need to follow through with whatever the other man has in mind. He doesn't care what it is; there isn't a single thing he wants to talk about - nothing to address, nothing to discuss, no questions that he wants answered. So why is it again that he doesn't hang up?

''Why'd you call?'' 

''Like I said, I have been wanting to for a while now. I've been feeling a little lost lately, and by _little_ I mean a lot.'' a soft scoff escapes from Morgan's lips, soft enough that he's positive the other man didn't hear it. Somehow he wish that he had. ''And by _lately_ , I mean since I left.''

''And so now you decided to call _me_ , thinkin' that I'd be the perfect person to pick up whatever's left of you and put you back together? Mold you back into feeling whole again? That's not how this works, it's not how any of this works. You callin' me up in the middle of the night, the hell you thinkin', boy?'' Morgan spat out, all in one breath. He's surprised at the fact that the amount of anger that's suddenly raging through his veins didn't make him stumble once over his words. He wonders if there's something, _let it be anything_ , that the other man can say to him now that isn't going to trigger a fit of rage inside of him. He hates himself when he's shouting.

He wants to hang up so bad - change his number first thing tomorrow. But the thought of trying to explain all that back at the bureau immediately felt like too much of a hassle. As if a room filled to the brim with profilers wouldn't see right through a simple _'my phone broke'_ or a _'it got stolen'._ Yeah, right, that ain't gonna cut it. And so, he keeps his mouth shut and decides to wait and see what else the other man has to offer him, knowing that he hurt him to some degree just know, with all that yelling. He shouldn't care, and he _doesn't._ At least that's what he tells himself. 

''I wasn't thinking. Like, at all. I mistreated you, and even though much time has passed you still have every right to be upset with me and the way I acted.'' the other man's voice dropped an octave and undoubtedly sounded more hesitant than before, almost scared to set off Morgan more than he already has. 

''I do not need your God damn go-ahead, Reid. I know how much time has passed, and I moved on. Had to.'' Morgan breathes in and out slowly for a moment, noticing how his throat closed up at the sound of the other man gasping. ''The team moved on - so did Gracia.''

''Haven't heard you say my name in almost three years, I was staring to forget what it sounded like. Made me go all sorts of crazy.'' the sudden change in the other man's voice made Morgan's head go foggy. Whatever it was that he was actually trying to say, Morgan decides not to play along. He doesn't know what to say, and even if he did, _how_ would he even say it? 

''Right.'' he simply states, monotone and stand-offish. He's expecting the kid to hang up anytime soon himself anyway, surely, with the amount of embarrassment that Morgan is causing him. He tells himself to simply just wait it out.

It's Reid that eventually breaks the silence, with a cough and a soft hum. Morgan knows that the kid's trying to think of what to say next - how to go from here. He can't possibly imagine that the other man is completely oblivious to the obvious tension that had settled between them. _Them,_ there's that word again. Then again, Morgan never quite understood him as a whole anyway, but at least he doesn't feel responsible for the awkwardness that has draped itself over the two men like a large, weighty blanket.

''I heard that the team was on a case in Seattle. Awfully long, too.''

Morgan hums in agreement, followed by a short ''Yeah.''

''I asked because I'm genuinely interested, Morgan. You used to call me after every case you were assigned to and tell me all about it. C'mon, for old time's sake.'' Reid speaks softly, hoping to gain just enough trust for Morgan to open up to him, even if it's just about work. Anything will do at this point. 

Morgan's onto him and he knows that Reid knows it too. Can't hurt to talk about the case, he figures. ''Well,'' he starts off, ''it took us a while to locate the unsub and when we did, we weren't completely sure if it was safe enough to strike in immediately. Took us eight days to find him, there were a bunch of kids involved.'' Morgan takes a deep breath, while rubbing his temples. ''Saved about a dozen, two bodies. Couldn't have been older than ten.'' 

He hears Reid exhale out of his nostrils loudly. ''You alright?''

''When am I not?'' Morgan sarcastically says. And while he felt some relief, having told someone about what went down during his stay in Seattle, he in no way needed any form of emotional support from Reid. Doesn't mean he still doesn't miss it, though. Even after all this time. 

''You know,'' he then decides to continue, ''when you left the bureau, awful as it was at first, I actually thought that I eventually would be fine with not having you by my side anymore in the field. It helped me sleep not seein' you in danger on the daily.'' he chuckles. He used to trust Reid with his life - knowing that he had his back at all times, while also knowing that Reid would be able to handle whatever situation he got himself into. ''Talking about the case just now, it's... it feels hauntingly familiar. Brings me back to the days where the first thing I used to do when I got off work was call you. To vent, ground myself, whatever my reasoning may have been at the time.'' he stops to listen to the other man's slow and steady breathing through the phone. It _used to_ help him calm down, but he's gotten somewhat numb to it now. 

''You were my safe haven, Reid. Or at least, that was what you were supposed to be. It's what you had promised me. Couldn't stand seein' you leave and neither could the team. I figured that we were the only family you had left, and all.'' Morgan's got the volume of his voice down, which is a victory in and of itself, and has proceeded to lift himself off of his couch and wander mindlessly in circles through his livingroom. ''I used to ask you all the time when you'd be coming back, while at the same time giving you the space that you so desperately craved - thinkin' that eventually you'd find your way back home. To me.''

''Derek, I-'' 

''I ain't done talkin' yet, kid. Let me, will ya?'' Morgan lets out sweetly, growing tired of the way he had been domitating this phone call ever since before it had even started. ''You leaving the bureau isn't the problem that I'm havin' with you, Reid, you shutting me out _is._ And then, when you moved states shortly after, _'needing to clear you head'_ is I believe what you told me, it meant that those phone calls where all I had left. And I'm sure that- that eventually I would've been fine with it all. I would've been totally fine with it if you didn't just...'' he sighed, not knowing exactly how far he's willing to take this conversation, ''if you didn't just vanish.''  
Morgan hears the other man let out a quiet sniffle, a familiar sound that - surprisingly to Morgan - still contained the power to shred his heart into hunderds of tiny pieces, with _Spencer_ written all over every single one of them. 

''It was never my intention to disappear for a long as I did,'' Reid chokes out through the tears that are welling up in the corners of his eyes, ''but that does kinda sound like a bunch of made-up BS know that I'm hearing myself say it oud loud. Looking back on it now... I just stupidly thought that the constant ache I felt - am stil feeling - would go away as I let you go.'' 

Morgan opens his mouth, but ends up closing it just as fast, his mind blank and his vision fuzzy. Nothing's making sense to him and he's scared it's never going to, not as long as he hears Reid quietly sobbing on the other end of the line and his hands are trembling beyond control. 

''I got scared, Derek,'' the boy whispers, ''at one point I didn't- I could _not_ feel anything other than fear. While on duty, during meetings, all those weekends spent at your appartment. I was afraid constantly and the headaches were worse than ever. I didn't want to lose you, so I never gave you the opportunity to come close.''

''I'm wondering if there's anything I can say right now that's gonna change your mind - but knowing you 'm guessing that I can't.''

''Knowing me? Am I supposed to feel insulted?''

''You're stubborn, kid. Too stubborn for your own good. This shouldn't come as a surprise.'' Morgan jokes wholeheartedly. _You're on thin ice,_ he thinks to himself. This is in no way the right time to whip out the flirtatious banter. Yet he can't help breaking into a soft smile when he feels some of the tenstion between them lessen and the knot in his stomach loosen.

''You know I can hear you smiling, right Derek?'' 

Morgan firmly shuts his eyes, _please stop calling me that,_ he mouths. He wonders if Reid's smiling back at him, and for the first time in a while feels his heart physically ache in a way that's hauntingly familiar at the literal distance that's between them. He looks down at his hand, now playing with the hem of his sweatshirt, and noticed how it's shaking significantly less than a few minutes ago. He tells himself not to overthink how Reid is the only one he has ever come across who can make him feel this way. Anxious, on edge, a little fluttered... yet the scariest of them all; feeling the need to put his walls up. It feels so unnatural to him, seeing as he's used to saying whatever is on his mind without a hint of restraint, _especially_ when talking to Reid. However, now he's feeling like he needs to watch his words (without much luck, let that be clear), not wanting to awaken a tiny spark of hope that he's sure is still hidden somewhere in his heart. This isn't in _any way_ a reunion. He's simply catching up with an old buddy, nothing strange about that. People do it all the time, even those who have gotten the silent treatment for longer than Morgan has. This is not a big deal, it's not a big deal, _not a big deal._  
Let's keep it light.

''So how's your ma, Spence?'' This is _not_ keeping it light, Morgan, and neither is calling him _'Spence'_. Which is why it startles him when he hears Reid let out a small giggle, just loud enough for Morgan to hear. For a second he thinks that maybe, _just maybe_ , Reid won't think too much of it. He's praying that the other man won't comment on being called by his first name just now. He does not need the confirmation that not only, _yes,_ he heard it and _yes,_ he found it just as weird.

''You know how she's doing, not much has changed. It's fine, though. She had a moment of clarity the other week.'' Morgan hums, encouraging the other man to continue. ''Thanks for asking.''

They're both silent for a long time, with Reid asking _'you still there?'_ once for good measure. 

''You miss it?'' Morgan eventually asks, ''The team, and all. Workin'.'' 

''I do, don't miss working in the field, though. I thought I would when I left.'' it's one of the very first things Reid has said that made any actual sense to him. He replies gently, ''yeah, I understand,'' because he _does._ He so badly wishes he'd grown tired by now, thinking that at least that would be a decent excuse to end this call and try his best to forget that it ever had happened. He knows he can't. The way that this conversation had somehow shifted back into small-talk is getting on his nerves, unsure how to keep it going. Questioning if he still wants to. 

''Why'd you call, Reid? I mean, why now?''

He hears Reid sigh deeply. ''Was kinda hoping you wouldn't ask again, 'm afraid that I don't have an answer that's gonna please you.''

''You might as well try me, kid. Seeing as we're actually talkin' to one another right now. God knows when that'll happen again - since you had no trouble ghostin' me for as long as you did.'' It really was not Morgan's intention for that last bit to come out so devensive, but he means every part of it. It's times like these when he wishes he would stop treating Reid like some kind of fragile ragdoll that will burst at the seams as soon as Morgan raises his voice in the slightest. ''Really, out of _all_ the people you could have chosen to cast aside, you picked the one and only guy who can actually handle all your rapid chatter and your knick-knack filled appartment? Hard to believe it took you _several_ years to realize what a massive prick you been.''

Reid snickered, ''I truly have been, I realize that,'' he starts off, knowing damn well that he can't act oblivous to the prominent hurt that's seeping through Morgan's words. ''And I'll pretend not to feel offended by your comment about my _knick-knacks_ just now. Which, just so we're clear, you used to love.'' It earned him a small laugh from Morgan, and for a split second he allows himself to bathe in that gorgeous, gorgeous sound. Grateful as he is, the thought crosses his mind that _it could easily just as well be the last time he hears it._

''Anyway,'' he decides to try again - somewhat willing to let Morgan in, ''I, uh, guess I grew tired of it?'' his voice sounding a bit higher than before, afraid to say it out loud - because that'd make it real. 

''You got tired of workin'? Because that's one hell of a lousy excuse to cut me off, too.'' Morgan intervened.

''Derek, no. I got tired of our, dynamic, let's call it that. The one where we'd dance around each other each time we would talk - neither one of us having the decency to grow a pair and simply just... come clean. About whatever it was that was going on, whatever was happening between us.'' 

Morgan furrows his brows while staring blankly ahead, hoping Reid would continue on with his rant just so Morgan had an excuse to keep his mouth shut. He knew _exactly_ what Reid was talking about, and it triggered those old memories to rise up to the surface once again. They washed over him like a tsunami and he had trouble staying afloat - he figured that drowning would be a less painful death than listening to Reid going on and on about the past for one more minute. 

''There was nothing to come clean about, kid, because nothing was goin' on. I don't know what you're on about.''

''Gosh, you know exactly what I'm _on about,_ '' Reid spats back, mocking Morgan. ''It went on for years, and you know it. Everybody painted us as the best of friends, thick as thiefs, and don't you for a second think that I didn't catch any of those snarky comments about how _I_ was somehow the dumb one who went ahead and fell in love with his friend. I _know_ it was mutual, and don't you start acting like you didn't brush it off everytime I tried to bring it up.'' 

''Whatever you say, Reid. I kissed _you_ , remember? Don't you go pointin' your finger at me now.''

''You kissed me because you knew that is what I wanted you to do. I didn't need you to touch me, I wanted you to simply just talk to me.'' he speaks, feeling the tension rise each passing second know that they've both mentioned _the kiss._

''Now that's profiling 101, boy, but you are terribly mistaken. I wanted it too. The kissin' _and_ the talkin'. However though, you're making this all sound like it only meant something to you. As if all this, somehow, only effected you!''

Morgan hears Reid exhale loudly and unconsciously copies him - only softer. His throat's getting sore from trying to swallow down the lump that's been there ever since he picked up the phone earlier tonight, and he really shouldn't have been yelling as loud as he just was. 

''That wasn't fair. Shouldn't have said that.'' Morgan breathes out, not completely believing in his own words but still feeling the need to calm both himself and the other man down. It's what he's gotten used to, after all. Knowing that he was the only one who held the power to ground Reid, although now he's wondering if somebody else has taken over his place.

''We ran outta time. We waited too long, and I should have said something before it was too late but by the time I realized exactly what I wanted to say, _what I had to say,_ you were long gone and there was nothing else I could do about it.'' Morgan whispers, eager to know what's going through Reid's mind, but feeling obligated to give _some sort_ of explanation. ''I just... moved on. From you, from the idea of us. What we coulda been.''

''Should I go? You want me to go?'' Reid whispers.

Morgan had hoped that Reid would say more than just that, and he feels like leaving. ''Do whatcha want, boy. Go, stay, do whatever.''

Reid scoffs, feeling slightly offended by the 'whatever', but at the same time understanding why Morgan is talking to him the way he is. ''You know,'' Reid starts, ''I'm not nearly as special as you led me to believe.'' it comes out as a statement, rather than something he's willing to discuss. He expects Morgan to start negotiating with him, like a proper agent would, like _Morgan_ would. The way he used to. But now he even doesn't want him to. 

Morgan sighs deeply, ''If that is what you're choosin' to believe, go ahead.'' he says, softly rubbing his forehead. He's wondering if they'll ever recover from this, from each other. 

''That _is_ what I believe.'' Reid whispers, ''I am a shell of what I used to be.''

''I am not solely responsible for your happiness. Dontcha start guilt-trippin' me into believing that I am.''

''Didn't meant to.''

''You never mean to, kid. That's part of the problem.''

Morgan hears Reid inhale deeply, and he curses himself for not ending this call when he should have. ''You think you can call me your _'pretty boy'_ one last time? Let's pretend, just for a second, as if nothing ever went wrong. Can you give me that?''

''You know I can't, Reid.'' Morgan feels the glassiness in his eyes disappear, ''I ain't the one for you.''

He slowly removes his phone that had been clutched to his ear for the past twenty minutes, as he faintly hears Reid's pleads that _'he is though, he is the one'_ and to _'please say something'._

Morgan presses the red button that appears on the screen and that's that. Over, just as fast as it had started. 

''Oh,'' he whispers to himself, ''what a fool I used to be. I used to _live_ for you.''


End file.
